Tonight is the season premiere of The Bachelor on ABC. Colton Underwood, the self-proclaimed virgin, football player and charity worker, will start his journey of finding love. Thirty women will vie for his heart, but only one will remain standing and possibly engaged to our leading man.
We open with Chris Harrison channeling Phil Donahue, which I thought only happened in the finales, but whatever, I will go with it.
Many Bachelor alumni are hosting parties all across the country. We even get an inside look at one in Michigan with Blake and Jason…so we can be reminded of the fact that Colton is a virgin. If I took a shot every time this is mentioned tonight, I would be dead.
Now we are in Dallas, Texas with Kaitlin and JoJo….and Chris’s mom. Okay, that was kind of cute. We learn he was a precocious, yet cute kid. He quips that they are all in a bar on live TV, so what can possibly go wrong.
Krystal and Chris are in LA acting all sweet and in love.
Ashley and Jared are in Utah and once again discuss Colton’s virginity. Ten minutes and it’s been mentioned twice.
We get to some videos of the girls.
Cassie is a beach loving speech pathologist who is also in grad school.
Hannah is from Alabama and a former beauty queen. She admits she is a train wreck and hot mess. She even does a cheer for him and is WAYYYYY too excited that he is a virgin.
Virginity mention: 3
Katie is a dancer who wants a long lasting love, just like her parents.
Heather is a fellow virgin who has never been kissed. She actual met Colton for a whopping 15 seconds.
I’ll count this as virginity mention #4.
Oneyeka admits she is loud and obnoxious and a lot to handle….but she has a big heart. She says she will bring out all the tricks to get Colton’s virginity…and if he gives it to her. Okay then!
Virginity mention: 5
Nicole is bilingual who wants the real deal. She helps take care of her autistic brother.
Kirpa is a dental hygienist. She tells her patients she is going on the show and I will bet a million dollars that they don’t care and are pissed their appointment is being filmed.
Demi is super bubbly, outgoing and sassy. She lives at home and never had a serious relationship. Wait…they allowed her to film her talking to her mom in PRISON? I know it is over the phone, but isn’t that…illegal? She also thinks it is concerning that he is a virgin and talks about how it is like trying ice cream and cupcakes. What? I not only want ice cream and cupcakes, but am thinking of that episode of the Golden Girls where Dorothy asks Rose what she would think if Miles wanted to try her cupcakes, which are moist and delicious.
Virginity mention: 6
We are back with Jason and Blake. Kendall and Siena crash the party to surprise the hosts.
Cue Colton’s shirtless montage. He works out and talks about his journey and life. Football helped him come into his own. He was heartbroken after breaking up with Becca.
OMG, is Chris trying to give him the sex talk? This is awkward.
Virginity mention: 7
Back to the parties, one of which has virgin cocktails to honor the virgin.
Virginity mention: 8
Chris asks if Colton lose his virginity, get engaged or leave heartbroken.
Bachelor kids….so cute. This is kind of creepy with all the Bachelor references.
Did someone seriously ask their daughter if she wanted to be the Bachelorette? I’m running on very little sleep and mass amounts of caffeine to get me through this, but WTF did I just watch?
Chris catches up with Krystal and ‘Goose,’ who reveal they are having a baby—-PUPPY!
Alexis is now with Kaitlin and JoJo.
Some random couple gets engaged at Ashley and Jared’s party. Who are these people?
Virginity mention: 9–due to the sign in the background of the party offering to take his virginity.
Wells says Colton is probably praying Tia isn’t there.
Why does Colton look like he is heading to his execution instead of the mansion?
Chris is there for one more pep talk. Sweet baby justice, can we get on with this already. We still have two hours!
Limo entrances:
Demi: She hasn’t dated a virgin since she was 12…and that is….I have no words. Also? 1980 called, they want their neon outfit back.
Tayisha: Loves his big….heart.
Heather: She thinks he is rare and tosses her hair more than Willow Smith.
Nicole: Talks to him in Spanish.
Caeylnn: Wears a sash with Miss North Carolina on one side and Miss Underwood on the other.
Sydney: Quit her job for him.
Elyse: Is nervous
Tahzjuan: Her dress is gorgeous and she tells him her name is hard to spell and pronounce.
Cassie: Gives him dead butterflies. Or are they fake?
Kirpa: Excited to be there and has a gorgeous dress.
Caitlin: Pops a cherry balloon as a symbolism of taking his virginity.
Virginity mention: 10 and 11. One time it is mentioned in the house.
Courtney: Gives him a sweet Georgia peach.
Katie: Gives him a deck of cards, takes one and says she took his V card.
Virginity mention: 12, 13 because it was mentioned in the house.
Alex: Talks like Ben Stein and is dressed like a sloth. She walks and talks super slow.
Onyeka: Gives him her full name with the complete pronunciation.
Erika: Gives him nuts because her last name is McNutt.
Hannah: From Alabama. Roll Tide!
In the house, we find out she knows Caelynn.
Tracy: Shows up in a cop car. She gives him handcuffs because she is the fashion police.
Angelique: Leaves glitter to be remembered.
Devin: Also in glitter.
Regina: Speaks Mandarin.
Nina: Speaks in another language.
Alex B: Speaks with cue cards because she is sick.
Bri: Pretends to be Australian.
Laura: From Dallas.
Laura and Heather are in the same dress, which Erika almost got as well.
Hannah G: Gives him a box with no underwear because he goes commando.
Annie: Talks football to him.
Jane: Shows a picture of his dog.
Catherine: Brings her dog.
Lucy: Catherine’s dog.
Chris takes the dog to walk throughout the rest of the episode.
Erin: Channels Cinderella with the dress, carriage and leaving her shoe.
More party stuff, another engagement…..wooo….
The girls are all giddy over Colton and he gets one last talk from Chris.
Colton finally comes in to toast the girls and mingle.
Demi gets time with him first and she reminds me of Kristin Chenoweth. I think it is her voice.
Virgin mention: 14-18….several girls mentioned it and Erika grills him as to WHY he is a virgin. He wants to wait for the right person and put work before a personal life.
Erika looks like a live action Elsa from Frozen.
Most of the mingling is kind of boring.
Caeylnn gets the first kiss….and she says he kisses well for a virgin.
Virgin mention: 19
First impression rose time! The girls are all nervous and think the claws will come out.
Sydney has a violin quartet and teaches him how to dance. Tayshia gives him a carnival experience and Elyse takes him fishing.
Alex takes off her sloth costume and goes from Ben Stein to Six LuMuere in five seconds flat.
Catherine talks about her dog and how she loves adventure.
Laura interrupts for time with him, causing Catherine to take him back. She does this with several other girls, until Onyeka pulls her aside to tell her to stop.
Cassie teaches him sign language. I knew these signs because my sister has a degree in sign language.
Colton kisses Katie.
Beauty pageant Hannah gets the first impression rose and a kiss.
It’s time to prep for the rose ceremony, which makes everyone nervous.
We then get a series montage video dedicated to Chris Harrison, introduced by his mom.
Rose ceremony:
Hannah: Beauty pageant girl with first impression rose.
Caelynn: Other beauty queen.
Katie: One of the girls who got kissed.
Alex B: The one who was sick.
Hannah B: The one also named Hannah.
Onyeka: The one who called Catherine out on her BS.
Caitlin: No clue.
Annie: No clue.
Kirpa: Sparkly purple dress.
Heather: Never been kissed.
Elyse: Barely remember her.
Tayisha: The one with the carnival.
Courtney: Someone who showed up just for the rose ceremony.
Cassie: The one who knows sign language.
Demi: The Kristin Chenoweth voiced girl in the 80s dress.
Nina: Don’t remember.
Erika: McNutts.
Sydney: The one who is a dancer.
Bri: Fake Australian.
Angelique: No idea.
Tracy: Fashion police.
Nicole: Bilingual girl 1.
Final rose tonight:
Catherine: The one with the dog who hogged Colton’s attention.
Going home:
Laura: Had the same dress as Heather and was from Dallas.
Revian: No clue.
Erin: Cinderella.
Tahzjuan: Girl in gorgeous dress.
Alex D: Sloth who went from Ben Stein to Six LuMuere in five seconds.
Jane: No clue.
Devin: Random one who looks like Carla from Scrubs.
More next week! Stay tuned!
Virgin mention total: 23, including the several times it was mentioned in the preview.
